The Rejection Show » jon friedman

@friedmanjon Weekly Twitter Updates

jon — Sat, 04 Sep 2010 03:00:00 +0000

I never bought a bicycle because I'm already furious about it being stolen. #
Life is like a box of chocolates, sometimes you get the marzipan one. #
As a Chef, when do you make the decision to go this route? http://twitpic.com/2j4k9a #
When I go on dates I don't bring a flower, I bring cauliflower. #
I've learned that saying, "I can't wait to see the red carpet" works much better on Emmy night as opposed to on a first date. #
New Emmys Drinking Game: Any time someone references a moose wearing dungarees, drink!! #
#templegrandinwaving #emmys10 #
Pacino's acceptance speech is making me want to kill myself. Am I right? #emmys10 #
Tom Hanks next project has to be about a war on the moon. #emmys10 #
My leg is on fire. ROTF #
Knock, knock. Who's there? A boner. #failedpickuplines #
The word "angina" should be giggled at way more than it is. #
If I could ask one question to one politician that question would be, "So like, what are your policies?" #
I'm either very high or I just loved a macaroni and cheese commercial. #
Yes, those ones! RT @simonelc yay for @JFranimal RT @friedmanjon: I'm either very high or I just loved a macaroni and cheese commercial. #
I was making a bad joke but I actually think a good name for a new bar would be Chin-Up Bar. #

@friedmanjon Weekly Twitter Updates

jon — Sat, 28 Aug 2010 03:00:00 +0000

RT @gavinpurcell Thanks @shoemakermike @saraschafer1 @corycavin @friedmanjon NBC.com & @jimmyfallon for making our site a 2x Emmy winner! #
Choosing Jif is a simple way to show someone you care? #
Thanks for all the Emmy congrats. Huge credit to everything created on the actual TV show to help make the site as cool as it is. #
If there's one lesson I've learned in life, it's that when it comes to garbage bags, you get what you pay for. #
Quotes From The Guy Who Fully Recovered From Amnesia Except For His Memory of Airplanes: "Is that some sort of metal bird??!!!!" #
It's a special Monday installment of "Totally Terrific Tweets!" (perhaps you're on the list) http://bit.ly/beNWbV #
Overheard on my TV: "Are you stressed for cash? I'm Arsenio Hall…" #
Having your umbrella blown inside out is more embarrassing than it should be. #
After 8 years of research, my friend @MattDelllinger's book Interstate 69 is out today. Great read….check it out. http://is.gd/eAJoO #
The browser on my blackberry loads the way my computer did in 1994. #burn #
I've been neglecting my beeswax. #
The Guy Who Thinks Everyone's Name is Alan: "Come in, Alan. Would you like a drink? Alan, will you get Alan a drink please? How is Alan?" #
Terrell Owens and Ocho Cinco both have reality shows on VH1? What is this, Cincinnati Bengals Hits One? Am I right?! #
This is the time of year when coat check attendants start to get depressed in anticipation of returning to work. #
I was really pulling for Zeenoosh from planet Milgore 9 in this year's Miss Universe Pageant. #
With all the money I've spent on shitty umbrellas, I could've bought the golden miracle umbrella by now. #
One day, there was a moose. http://twitpic.com/2i2rx0 #
I just ran into Donatello, he's like 35 and doesn't do any ninja stuff anymore. #
When I have kids, I'm not going to let them drink any drink that ends in "drink." #
If you have food in the corner of your mouth, I will dry heave. #especiallyifitscreamcheese #
"Real IM's with FriedmanJon" me: i really want a cookie right now. joselynhughes: omg i'm eating one. me: holy crap. #
As he gently caressed her breast. #aftermidnightsoftcoretweets #
If my middle initial was a T. I'd use it all the time too. #
If I ever rub a lamp and a genie comes out my first wish would be for him to get back inside until I'm done using the bathroom, pervert. #

@friedmanjon Weekly Twitter Updates

jon — Sat, 21 Aug 2010 03:00:00 +0000

Come on vending machine, it's 2010, why can't you accept a crinkly dollar by now?! Oh wait, you did. My bad. #
I'm gonna name my dog Peeve. #
Take my wife, Steve. #firstdraftcatchphrases #
"Don't say sugar tits, don't say sugar tits, don't say sugar tits." -Mel Gibson's Inner Dialogue While Being Questioned By Police Yesterday #
Who would have ever expected that someone would be attacked at an event hosted by people called The Insane Clown Posse?? #
Earth, Wind, Fire, and Ham #earlybandnames #
I don't have a dog because I know I would force train it to always walk on its hind legs at all times for my own amusement. #
An auto-flush urinal made me feel insecure about my manhood by flushing while I was peeing, as if to say "nothing registers as being there." #
If Lou Gehrig did not die from Lou Gehrig's Disease than I think nobody did. #
I'm loving the comments left on this clearly FAKE video (taken for reality) I made with @joselynhughes. http://bit.ly/aW4GJd #
The Iraq War is ending as we speak and CBS is reporting on Jesse James and Sandra Bullock. Wait, he said what??? Oh no he di'int! #
Jon Friedman reads his 'God (When He First Saw Us Drinking Milk From a Cow)' essay. http://bit.ly/cWxYwy #
Letting everyone know where you are is the new not letting everyone know where you are. #
All of the other problems in the country must have been fixed because Congress has taken time to indict Roger Clemens! #priorities #
If I had the ability to create a new color it would be schmerniff. #
Rebates aren't really rebates as much as they are me lending you some money. #
Follow your nose. #
Programming note: For those that follow "Totally Terrific Tweets!" they will be posted on Monday 8/23 for this week. Thank you. #
The Delicious Sandwich Social is tomorrow. http://bit.ly/90ArlF #
I hope I don't grow up to be nebbishy. #

@friedmanjon Weekly Twitter Updates

jon — Fri, 13 Aug 2010 20:00:00 +0000

The Kneel World #PrisonRealityShows #
Is playing Connect Four required in a mental institution? #
I like my coffee black, like my socks. #
The new Cupcake Pebbles cereal is just a test to see what kind of parent you are. #
I can't tell if you forgot to take your meds or if you just did. RT @PaulaAbdul IT'S SUNDAY!!! LOL LOL LOL!!! xoP #
Just realized that 'take a penny, leave a penny' is not meant for at the same time. #
I don't think The Secret should be allowed to be called The Secret anymore. #
My gift horse is facing the other way. #
Bravo picked a great moment to promote "Flipping Out" during last night's Real Housewives of New Jersey. http://twitpic.com/2df5ug #
One day I will communicate solely with face icons. #
A 58-year-old transgender woman is running for mayor of a town in Idaho. She says she has nothing to lose –except for her penis. #
Mr. Cheerio would be rolling in his grave if he knew that Chocolate Cheerios exist. #
There's no elephants in Denmark. #
I love this, and you. http://bit.ly/cFV84G #
I just can't help but to bite into a Mento right away. #
How My Favorite Movies Would Be Different If They Were Starring A Cow
(Rocky IV) Adrian: It's suicide. You can't win! Rocky: Mooo. #
Woke up this morning with my ear folded under my head. It's very sore. That's dangerous. People should be made more aware of folded ear. #
I just feel like we should have had an advancement in the umbrella by now. I don't want to hold this. #
RT @ilianainocencio: @friedmanjon you mean you don't have a retractable bubble dome installed in your shoulder blades? #
Chris Angel gave me a mindfreak by pronouncing idea as idear. #
Criss Angel gave me a mindfreak by pronouncing idea as idear. #
The superstitious day should be Tuesday the 13th because you have bad luck AND it's only Tuesday. #
It's another installment of "Totally Terrific Tweets!" (perhaps you're on the list) http://bit.ly/cePmG2 #FF #
Dear Fart Noise, Thanks for everything. #
The Delicious Sandwich Social is back! http://bit.ly/d4xvWA #

@friedmanjon Weekly Twitter Updates

jon — Fri, 06 Aug 2010 20:00:00 +0000

It's another installment of "Totally Terrific Tweets!" (perhaps you're on the list) http://bit.ly/9XNoux #FF #
Everyone is talking about a Weiner exploding in Congress today. #imimmature #
I'm embarrassed that I can't last very long when using the Shake Weight. #
I'm worried about Snooki. #
Rejected Sequel Subtitles For Cats & Dogs 2: The Revenge of Kitty Galore 'Cats & Dogs 2: Pussies & Bitches' #
Nice one! RT @meganamram @friedmanjon @julieklausner 'Cats & Dogs 2: Cat On A Hot Tin Dog' #
I sit and gently wait for someone to emerge and have a catch with me. http://twitpic.com/2b1vfe #
My bologna has a first name, it's A-L-A-N. #
Wait, Bill Cosby isn't dead? There go my Ghost Dad marathon plans. #
Brave Favre has rerererereretired. #
Brett Favre has rerererereretired. #
Let's be done with trackballs. #
Well played! RT @sarw8 Then how will I keep tabs on my boyfriend??? RT @friedmanjon Let's be done with trackballs. #
I'm surprised the inventor of the escalator wasn't too lazy to actually invent it. #
600 home runs is the new 400 home runs. #
Congratulations to A-Rod on hitting his 178th non-steroid home run. #
I've always been a huge equality fan. #
Prop 8 is overturned! This is the best Shark Week ever! #
Thanks for enforcing this rule. http://twitpic.com/2bus5w #
The new NYC subway M line now meets up with the F and L at 14th street to make it the official FML stop. #
Sadly, Leonard from Memento now uses the camera on his Droid to keep track of his memories. #
RT @jdharm Hilarious skit with Fallon and Ferrell RT @jimmyfallon Will Ferrell dramatic acting w/mannequin arms. http://dld.bz/q7Bx #
I'm going out to California to marry a lesbian. #
Do me a Favre and make up your mind already. #seewhatididthere #
It's another installment of "Totally Terrific Tweets!" (perhaps you're on the list) http://bit.ly/bbsNIr #FF #
45 weeks. RT @thecomicscomic How many weeks do I need to be left off of "Totally Terrific Tweets" before I qualify for The Rejection Show? #
I'm not afraid of fame because if I ever didn't wanna be recognized I'd walk around with a black rectangle bar over my eyes. #
…anyway, what else, what else. #

@friedmanjon Weekly Twitter Updates

jon — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 20:00:00 +0000

Of all the people who have shoe polish for mustaches and eyebrows I think Groucho is the zaniest. #
I get that a lot. RT @reeona @friedmanjon first read your name as Fried Man Jon. stupid? yes. Funny? Oh yes! #
The annual Brooklyn version of The Rejection Show special edition 'I Lost on a Game Show' 8PM TONIGHT at @UnionHallNY! #
Blimpie is the Heathcliffe to Subway's Garfield. #
Playing Hide n' Go Seek by yourself isn't as much fun, especially when you're seeking. #
Awww, soccer is on TV. Nice try soccer. Listen, call me in a few years. #
New Band Name: Kubiak's Lunch #
Barnes & Noble The Early Years: Hi Noble. Do you still have all those books that you want to unload? Yeah. Why? #
"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" (silence) "Uh, is anyone there?" (silence) "There was no one there, honey." (multiple gunshots) #
Now I'm starting to think Al Gore had porn in mind when he invented the internet. #
I've learned that Mel Gibson and Christian Bale do not scream at people in their native accents. #
IMG00048-20100726-1853 http://twitpic.com/298ee1 #
"The TV show Alf was never properly concluded as a series." #ghostsofsitcomspast #
Puns. #
I Can't Believe It's Not Butter should not be stating my beliefs for me. #
Oil leaks, Wikileaks, Mel Gibson phone leaks. 2010 is the year of leaks. #
The rumors are true, @bobbytisdale and I break a world record on tonight's Late Night. Or do we? #
No, I predict YOUR tweets. #predictingkanyetweets #
RT @jinners @friedmanjon shared rejected lines from late night with jimmy fallon http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jmORGgnj6MQ #
I Do Impressions: "Who aaaaaare these people?" #
Why don't you make like a tree and prevent erosion while providing a weather-sheltered ecosystem in and under your foliage. #
Happy Birthday! RT @MyDamnChannel It's our birthday weekend! We're gonna get so wasted and drunk dial all of you. #
Yes, coming soon. Having a small tech issue. RT @JonasPolsky @friedmanjon totally terrific tweets this week? #

@friedmanjon Weekly Twitter Updates

jon — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 20:00:00 +0000

Twitter film review for Inception: Holy shit. #
Supermodel Gisele Bundchen passed the written exam for her pilot’s license. She hopes to not cause a lot of boners while in the sky. #
I looked up how to make iced coffee on the internet and it told me to make coffee and put it in the fridge and then I felt like an idiot. #
Vitamin C, you get an A in my book. #
New phrase for when you're being yelled at on the phone: "Stop Mel-ing at me." #
This is a great BEHIND THE SCENES 'Late Night' video of the making of "Black Thought's Favorite Dinosaurs" http://bit.ly/diXWNQ #
I'd buy an exercise machine but I'm not in good enough shape to get it up the stairs. #
I liked when they ended up in Hoth in Inception. #nerd #
It's ok to go to the movies by yourself. #
'The Rejection Show' on Saturday night? In Brooklyn at Union Hall? With all people that lost on a game show? Yes! http://twitpic.com/271inl #
Every time I hear the word 'supreme' I think of sour cream. #
If the Mets season were like Rocky 3 this is the part where Rocky loses to Clubber Lang. #
And where exactly would that home be? http://twitpic.com/27bx3z #
New Band Name: Sauce on Side #
The Rejection Show 'I Lost on a Game Show' Saturday night! http://bit.ly/a2pEm1 #
Thanks internet! http://www.todaysbigthing.com/2010/07/12 #
Who knew?! RT @soalexgoes Just saw @friedmanjon quoted in InTouch! Also GQ is trying to tell me I've never heard of @reggiewatts #
Just who is this mysterious "I" in I Can't Believe It's Not Butter? Come forward! #
I found out who the "I" is in I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. It was Larry. Larry Can't Believe It's Not Butter. #
See @roblathan, @glennypenny, @waitforandy, @eliotglazer, @MikeDrucker at The Rejection Show "I Lost on a Game Show" http://bit.ly/csDqLJ #
Yes, that was me needing to go "pee pee" on @latenightjimmy last night. http://bit.ly/cniUMi #
New Band Name: Sensible Dinner #
A nerd robbed a bank. http://bit.ly/aVSlsH #
A street vendor tried to get me to buy a grain of rice with my name written on it. I told him that is the thing I need least in the world. #
It's another installment of "Totally Terrific Tweets!" (perhaps you're on the list) http://bit.ly/aWNKUL #FF #

@friedmanjon Weekly Twitter Updates

jon — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 20:00:00 +0000

Twitter film review for Inception: Holy shit. #
Supermodel Gisele Bundchen passed the written exam for her pilot’s license. She hopes to not cause a lot of boners while in the sky. #
I looked up how to make iced coffee on the internet and it told me to make coffee and put it in the fridge and then I felt like an idiot. #
Vitamin C, you get an A in my book. #
New phrase for when you're being yelled at on the phone: "Stop Mel-ing at me." #
This is a great BEHIND THE SCENES 'Late Night' video of the making of "Black Thought's Favorite Dinosaurs" http://bit.ly/diXWNQ #
I'd buy an exercise machine but I'm not in good enough shape to get it up the stairs. #
I liked when they ended up in Hoth in Inception. #nerd #
It's ok to go to the movies by yourself. #
'The Rejection Show' on Saturday night? In Brooklyn at Union Hall? With all people that lost on a game show? Yes! http://twitpic.com/271inl #
Every time I hear the word 'supreme' I think of sour cream. #
If the Mets season were like Rocky 3 this is the part where Rocky loses to Clubber Lang. #
And where exactly would that home be? http://twitpic.com/27bx3z #
New Band Name: Sauce on Side #
The Rejection Show 'I Lost on a Game Show' Saturday night! http://bit.ly/a2pEm1 #
Thanks internet! http://www.todaysbigthing.com/2010/07/12 #
Who knew?! RT @soalexgoes Just saw @friedmanjon quoted in InTouch! Also GQ is trying to tell me I've never heard of @reggiewatts #
Just who is this mysterious "I" in I Can't Believe It's Not Butter? Come forward! #
I found out who the "I" is in I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. It was Larry. Larry Can't Believe It's Not Butter. #
See @roblathan, @glennypenny, @waitforandy, @eliotglazer, @MikeDrucker at The Rejection Show "I Lost on a Game Show" http://bit.ly/csDqLJ #
Yes, that was me needing to go "pee pee" on @latenightjimmy last night. http://bit.ly/cniUMi #
New Band Name: Sensible Dinner #
A nerd robbed a bank. http://bit.ly/aVSlsH #
A street vendor tried to get me to buy a grain of rice with my name written on it. I told him that is the thing I need least in the world. #
It's another installment of "Totally Terrific Tweets!" (perhaps you're on the list) http://bit.ly/aWNKUL #FF #

@friedmanjon Weekly Twitter Updates

jon — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 20:00:00 +0000

The Yankees are like the Miami Heat of baseball. #
The only thing dry about me are my heaves. #hungoverintherain #
(If it's brown, flush it down.) Uh-oh, I've made a critical error! Taxi!! #
Oh, extra time to not score! #worldcup #
See you in 2014, soccer. #
It's time we update the phrase "best thing since sliced bread." I can think of a lot of better things invented since then. Like, Nintendo. #
Every time I hear the phrase "the best thing since sliced bread" I think of how terrible it must have been before bread was sliced. #
Cats & Dogs 2 Rejected Sequel Subtitles: Cats & Dogs 2: Right Bark at You #
I Just Called To Say You're Hebrew #melgibsonlovesongs #
Terminator Salvation #movieswithbatman #
Home Run Derby's aren't as fun without the steroids. #
Mel Gibson Greeting Cards: (front) You’re a f*cking mentally deprived idiot. (inside) You’re a f*cking using whore. I own you. #
Seriously though, whoever invented the wheel, awesome job. #
Brian McCann does not know how old he is. (He was 12 in 1996 not 8 as he said in post game interview) #asg #mlb #
The gushing of the oil spill is directly related to Mel Gibson's anger in the same way the slime reacts in Ghostbusters 2. #
Are we sure there's not an actual cartoonish villain behind the oil spill? #
I've always sneezed two times in a row but for the first time ever I just now sneezed only once. Where is the other one?!! #
Hakuna matata, everyone! #lametweets #
I suddenly have a desire to be a TV court bailiff. #
I love meatloaf. The food not the man. #
Ok, me too. RT @JordanFifer I love the food and the man. RT @friedmanjon I love meatloaf. The food not the man. #
To clarify, I don't mean to imply that I don't like the man, Meatloaf. I was just specifying that I was referring to the food. #
I don't really like meatloaf. #
Ok, so the next time we have a massive oil spill try a tightly fitted cap BEFORE you try throwing a bunch of garbage at it. #
Kevin Costner claims he can stop the Mel Gibson phone calls. #
"Soooooo. How's everyone?" –Mel Gibson returning to work on the set of The Beaver #
It's another installment of "Totally Terrific Tweets!" (perhaps you're on the list) http://bit.ly/bvlGNY #FF #

@friedmanjon Weekly Twitter Updates

jon — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 20:00:00 +0000

A sound from my kitchen is making me think that there might be a man in my oven. #
UPDATE: @FunnyFallontine @rayk58 @AshStoneman @JBax52 There was no man in my oven. All is well. Have a safe 4th! #
Free Kobayashi #
Well, if you put it that way sign, I think I will. http://tweetphoto.com/30998116 #
It's so hot. I'm contemplating sleeping in a bikini tonight. #
It's so hot. I hung my beard up on the coat rack. #nycheatwave #
If it wasn't for that very special episode of Punky Brewster I'd be going inside my refrigerator right now. #NYCheatwave #
Great job! RT @Twipcomics What did people do before they knew the Happy Birthday song? Ask @friedmanjon: http://bit.ly/JonTwip #
I get my Lindsay Lohan news from you once CNN, shame on you. I get my Lindsay Lohan news from you twice CNN, shame on me. #
I'd rather stand than sit in a stranger's fresh seat warmth. #
LeBron is going to UCONN. #
I have 2:30 feeling. #
If my name was Haley I'd use the Joel too. #
JeBron Lames #
Why does the fox always get to be the one that's quick and brown? #
I like to yell out, "whoa, it's like a sauna in here, am I right fellas?!" every time I step into a sauna. #